Amy's Journey – Buying Time

in 2015 when I was originally diagnosed with breast cancer, it was different. For some reason I felt like there was an end to the fight. I knew that if I stayed positive and did with the doctors told me everything was going to be okay. Don’t ask me how I knew this other than my dad kept telling me everything was going to be okay, I had faith in god, and the doctors were positive about the treatment that they had prescribed. This time there is no end to the treatment. There’s no one telling me hey after a year of this and surgery and this and that you going to live a normal life. This time it’s a fight forever. It’s a strange feeling knowing that you have something inside your body it’s trying to kill you. It’s not something you can see and it’s not something you can cut out, but it’s there and every day you’re a battle with it. I try not to let it take too much space in my head but that’s not always easy. Everyone around me has the same questions I do. And unfortunately no one seems to have the answers. I don’t know how long I’ll live, I don’t know how sick I’m going to get, all I know is that I’m going to wake up everyday and fight like hell for another day.

The medication I’m taking has me in a bit of a brain fog, making it so I can’t work. What I do for my clients is too important for me to make mistakes so I’m having to go on disability. I hate it. I don’t like being dependent on other people for my finances. My friend put together a GoFundMe page, but I don’t expect people who work hard for their money to just give it to me. So, I’m praying that between disability and my child support I make enough to cover everything and still have enough so my boys don’t feel the pinch. We have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies and are surrounded by love, that’s all I need.

I had to order a shower stool and a toilet thing with handles because standing up from a sitting position is hard. My vanity reared its ugly head. These things are for old people, I was embarrassed to need them. I’m just turning 52, I shouldn’t need these ugly, medical grade things in my bathroom. My brain and heart really fought about it. Then came acceptance. Who’s going to be in my bathroom? Who’s going to judge me? ONLY ME! Then I laughed. If these things make life easier, what am I worried about? Vogue magazine isn’t doing a photo shoot in my house any time soon. My kids might find these things weird but then maybe they’ll stay out of my bathroom and use their own! At this point I was really chuckling. Boy, the human brain is strange.

yes, this fight is different because there is no end to it. However, if I look at it in the same way I did the first time, I will be fine. Stay positive, deal with things one day at a time, and live life to the best of my ability. I may lose my hair, so what. I may not be able to go zip lining with my niece for her 18th birthday, but I can still take her and watch her excitement. I’m going to try to continue coaching baseball because it brings me joy. And most of all, I’m surrounded by love, from my co-workers, to my friends and family, everywhere I look someone is there offering their love and support. I truly am blessed.